When I was a kid, my mom called me Lucy because I looked like Lucy Van Pelt. Yup, that’s right. My sole claim to celebrity lookalike fame is a cartoon character. I believe that that fact, coupled with me writing romantic comedies, totally makes me qualified to be a love doctor. Also, if I was a doctor, I’d get major family cred and maybe eclipse my golden boy lawyer brother.
So, I’m setting up shop.
I’ll be advising the unlucky in love, the forlorn, the desperate – no question to weird or wild for me when it comes to affairs of the heart. And my speciality will not be a Freudian or Jungian approach. Nope, I’ll be basing my advice on how love plays out in romantic comedies. Because those people always get their happily-ever-after. And that’s good enough for me.
The doctor is in. Let’s give a warm round of applause for Dr. Darling’s first counselling session.
Now, I just need a letter… Ah! Here’s one. (Seriously, someone sent me a letter. How great is that?)
So there’s a boy. I met him through mutual friends. We’ve hung out now as a group a few times. He seems interested — there’s definitely chemistry. But he hasn’t asked for my number. Should I ask my friends for his? I don’t want to come on too strong — but he does seem shy. Or is this a total turn off?
Oh good. I like starting with an easy one. Definitely do NOT ask his friends for his number. Where the hell’s the fun in that? No, it’s time to take a page out of Bridget Jones’ Diary for this one.
Step 1: Find a hot, charming cad to begin a clandestine, torrid affair with, while pining from afar for your boy.
Step 2: Make sure said boy notices that you are involved with cad. This will peak his interest even further.
Step 3: At various social functions, and whenever possible publicly, make a fool of yourself in a charming, endearing way. This will allow his “damsel in distress” (DID) impulses to kick in, thereby trumping his shyness.
Step 4: Break up with cad. Make sure boy knows this. Even better, contrive to be around boy as you wish that just once a great guy would ask you out.
Step 5: If necessary, buy boy drinks as you undertake step four.
Step 6: Allow his DID impulses to reach their natural conclusion as he kisses you.
Step 7: FIREWORKS
Step 8: Live happily-ever-after.
There. If that doesn’t work, then I don’t know what will.
What do you all think? Leave your comments and better still, your questions. (Because, you know, I want to be able to do another one of these sessions.)
Until next time,
I’m Doctor Darling and I wish you all love.
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